What to Do When You’ve Lost All Faith in Prayer
Sounds like a very bleak title for a blog post, but the truth is that the hardships some of us experience in life can take us to very difficult places. They challenge our beliefs and understanding of God, ourselves and humanity. These difficulties we can pray about but find things just keep getting worse. Even harder, we may have done the best we could have, but others don’t understand and/or don’t want to help or care. You keep trying harder and keep praying, and things keep getting worse. Even harder, you mention specifics to God in prayer, but those specifics worsen. This can inspire fear within you when mentioning anything specific in prayer. This fear may be because you don’t want it to get worse. However, it is just as, or even more likely, to be that we are that weak, vulnerable, exposed, or hurt that we have not healed enough to open ourselves up to God again in prayer. What happens to us when life feels unjust? This injustice may or may not be the truth, but either way, we simply don’t understand, and feel hurt, powerless and alone. The impregnable security of God’s love for us feels like a subject of uncertainty, and the power of prayer, our connection with Him, is a tool we use fearfully rather than with confidence.
What is Happening? Are We Being Abandoned?
Fear, insecurity, anxiety, hurt, confusion, anger and dismay. These are just some of the feelings we may experience when our prayers go continuously unanswered. The question eventually becomes, what do I do now? For some, it may be a question of faith, but for many of us, it is a matter of security and practicality. Should we continue to pray? What is God telling me? “I don’t understand!”
All too often, Christianity is conveyed as only a simple religion. It has a God of love, and this God of love wants to care about you! Great news! Baptise me! But there is further teaching to be aware of than simply Yahweh as a God of love (cf. 2 Tim. 1:7; John 3:16; 4:7-8, 10, 16, 19). He is also a God of Righteousness (cf. Judg. 5:11; Job 36:3; Ps. 50:6; Jer. 4:2; 9:24; 21:1; Matt. 6:33; Acts 17:31; Rom 1:17); this is a fallen world where sin and evil forces are present (cf. Gen. 3; Rom. 1:18-32; Eph. 6:10-12; Rev. 21:4) and, among other things, there is hope in redemption and future life (cf. Matt. 20:28; Eph. 1:7; Rom. 3:24-26; Col. 1:14, 20-22; Heb. 9:12, 15; 1 Pet. 1:18-19). These complexities assist in our understanding that life is not as simple as asking, “Why are things not working out for me?”
It is why the author of Hebrews insists on going beyond the spiritual milk (cf. Heb. 5:11-14) to spiritual maturity (cf. Heb. 6:1-2) and why James notes that “the testing of your faith produces endurance” (Jam. 1:3). It is why Jesus speaks of the shallow rocky soil where people withdraw in their faith after affliction and persecution (cf. Matt. 13:5-6, 20-21) and the soil with thorny plants, where anxiety, distress, concern and greed for more mislead others towards relief and personal gain (13:7).
A fundamental principle of life is that growth comes through dedication, resilience and being challenged. It is about overcoming obstacles and facing distress to become stronger. Physically, it may be about going to the gym when weight training, and to grow, we need to increase the weights, work hard, and expand the muscles with dedication. With business, we need to show commitment and learn how to do our profession, actively practice it, and learn from the difficulties we face, helping us become better professionals. Socially, considering our friends, should we give up the friendship(s) simply because they are going through difficulties (e.g. a divorce, cancer, or other health issues) and not as aware of our needs? Of course not! This is what brings strength to friendships. It is a bland story when there are only good experiences with no challenges faced. The same is true for us spiritually. We face challenges, and prayers are often not seen to be answered immediately, nor how we initially hoped or intended them to be.
However, sometimes they are responded to how and when we request them to be. A good example is the Apostle Paul, who, while shipwrecked in Malta, requested healing for the father of the island’s hospitable chief official, Publius (Acts 28:7-8). Notably, Paul, even with the gifts he had been given, knew that it was God’s power and will, not his own; prayer was required before healing could occur. For us, we need to see these experiences of difficulty as opportunities. They are not fun now, but they are opportunities for growth in wisdom, understanding and faith. They may enable relationships to be developed. They may also give you greater credibility when assisting others later – or currently – in your life experiencing similar difficulties.
How Might We Recover?
After writing the paragraph stating that “growth comes through dedication, resilience and being challenged,” I thought, “Yeah, but there has to be a limit.” There is a limit to how much weight someone can lift, what a person can immediately accomplish in a job, and how much someone is willing or able to take in a relationship. However, to answer this complication, the required response is that the weight trainer needs to consider how to reach their goals and plan appropriately to achieve what they cannot achieve today in the future. The professional needs to acknowledge their limitations, reassess or establish their goals, and work towards them. The social conundrum is a little more complicated but very useful to consider.
Similar in some ways to our relationship with God, when thinking of a friend, we think of someone close to whom we can talk about issues that expose our vulnerabilities and insecurities. We expect the relationship to be mutual, where both parties care for each other. What happens, though, when it is too much for us to handle with the behaviour of a friend? The same as with the physical and business sphere discussed: we assess. However, we must show care and moral consideration rather than simply having our own agenda. Rather than prioritising what I need or want, we must ask what is best for our friend and then ask what is the best I can do for them? You may need to remove yourself from the environment for a while, but it is crucial to assure your friend of your love and support. They may need to change before your behaviour can; similar to a familial relationship (cf. Is. 63:16; Matt. 5:16; 6:9; 7:11; Rom. 8:15; Gal. 4:6).
Prayer can and is invaluable when addressing spiritual difficulties and struggles such as tragedy, struggle, injustice, aloneness, and fear. Sometimes in life, however, it does not achieve what you expected it to, and like Job, you just do not know why not. Here, we need to assess the situation, look at where we want to be, and plan how to get there.
When personally struggling with prayer on occasion, I have found the regular reading of Scripture to be enlightening and encouraging; it often helps to give me strength, assurance, insight, and appreciation. I have discovered Scripture to be invaluable as it is inspired and can help reveal things without speaking or feeling uncertain, unconfident, and potentially on trial. This way, we can learn and grow from Him, the authors of Scripture, and through His Spirit. We can pray that God will be merciful as we look for His teaching, guidance, forgiveness, inspiration, care and patience. Ask for the fruit of His Spirit within us (cf. Gal. 5:22-25).
It is valuable to understand that significant and longstanding hurt and uncertainty require some expression; it needs to be processed. Without being processed, it can be like toxic waste being buried, resulting in inevitable destruction within. In addition to prayer and Scripture, other tools such as journalling can also be helpful. Communication with others can also be invaluable for both encouragement and perspective. Various other devices, such as music, art, photography, entertainment, carpentry and relaxation, can also assist in reflection and processing.
When in a particularly exhausted, vulnerable and insecure state in your relationship with God, I encourage you to still pray. Think about the social response above; you still care and want to be connected but need to cope. It is good to praise God for blessings such as nature’s beauty. Things that continue your connection with God but do not cause insecurity to develop. Rather than praying, for instance, for your daughter’s illness (as you may fear this will cause ill for her), pray for strength for yourself and the family. This makes the prayers more generalised, enabling the connection and communication to continue, but does not press you further than you can handle. After restoring strength and security, you may – or will likely – feel more comfortable increasing the specifics, and expanding the range of what you pray about. Remember the guidance to continually pray (cf. Luke 18:1-8; Rom 12:12; Eph. 6:18; 1 Thes. 5:17), and that our vulnerability requires God’s love, grace and spiritual protection (cf. Rom 8:1-39; Eph. 6:10-20; Col. 1:10-13; 1 Thes. 5:8-11; 1 Pet 5:6-11) despite our pain. Remember that we are in a fallen world, life is not fair, God cares, and His love is everlasting.
The Salt in the Wound
If someone were to call and say they were coming to your house in an hour, it would be a classic tendency for many of us to clean and tidy the house before they came and then apologise for the mess. Similar actions are also not uncommon on social media. For instance, much time can go into taking a profile picture. Then, after a compliment is made, the response is sometimes, “Oh, it was rushed”, or “I look terrible, but thanks.” The pretty face we see is seemingly effortless, and this can become a matter of insecurity; in many ways, it can also become a game of keeping up with the Joneses. We try so hard to keep up our images, but other people just seem to do it effortlessly! “Other people just don’t understand” is a common conclusion.
A pertinent point of consideration is what your house looks like when someone turns up unannounced; then the real mess is unveiled! These same tendencies and natures we see in visible actions also apply to the invisible. Other people’s order, good fortune and ease of life can often increase our feelings of disadvantage and rejection because we often cannot see their struggles. However, although other people may look to have everything going well and under control, this does not make that appearance accurate. Like them, we usually choose not to expose our insecurities as it is not necessarily to our advantage. We want to be confident, resourceful, strong, resilient, able, secure, loved and valued. So, we highlight our strengths, play down our weaknesses and present like everything is going well, or at least well enough. The hidden struggles, however, remain unnoticed and unknown by many.
An enormous amount of energy, resources, stress, anxiety, pain, and hurt is involved in establishing our identity within the culture(s) in which we live. How we are seen is considered very important and often particularly relevant for obtaining the two fundamental assets: significance and security (Crabb and Allender, 1984). I would personally encourage you to see that your foremost strength and security can and should be found in God. Look to do and be the most you can with what you have, and know that your best is good enough for Him if you sincerely give your heart to Him. When you find your significance and security in God, what you do or don’t have has lesser relevance to your personal value. Look at the Lord’s Prayer (Matt. 6:9-13; Luke 11:2-4). Jesus does not ask for good looks, great wealth, and no difficulties or struggles. He tells us to ask for the basics. Such things as acknowledging and appreciating our personal relationship with God and His place of reverence, honour and superiority. Also, looking for God’s will, praying for the coming of His kingdom, protection from temptation and evil, and the provision of forgiveness and basic needs. Rather than feeling left out or behind, remember that He does not demand what is unachievable, and if you sincerely give yourself to Him, He will always have a place for you.
How Long Does It Take?
The truth is that there is no simple answer to how long it takes to recover from these difficult places. It depends on the person, the level of hurt experienced, and things such as spiritual maturity, personal circumstances, gifts, strengths, abilities, natural resilience, etc.
Naturally, it is best to not aim for what we once had but look at what we have - being grateful for what we had - and look to what we can and want to become. In the same way that we cannot rewind the clock to bring back the youth of a former time, we need to use the trials we face as opportunities to become a greater asset in the future. Scars will be there from past times, but the story and growth from your time(s) of learning and endurance will prove valuable. As James 1:2-4 states, “Consider it all joy, my brethren, when you encounter various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces endurance. And let endurance have its perfect result, so that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing” (NASB).
To highlight others’ endurance of trials and that we are not alone in our suffering, here are some words from Martin (1988) in his commentary on James (1:2),
The addressees are already facing threats to their faith, expressed by their having to encounter (lit., “fall into,” περιπέσητε…) adversities of various kinds…. The verb makes it plain that these trials are not such as the brothers would have chosen nor are they simply the ills the human lot is heir to. They are met with because of the believers’ loyalty to God, who permits such experiences to occur to test his people (a common OT idea: Gen 22:1; Exod 15:25; 16:4; Deut 8:2, 16; 2 Chr 32:31; Job 1–2; cf. Jud 8:25–27; Wisd Sol 3:4–6).
The latter point is clarified by the use of πειρασμός, which has two distinct meanings: (1) incitements to evil thoughts and wrongdoing, usually known under the name of “temptation” … and (2) trials which human beings have to endure as part of life’s adversities and hardships. It is possible to give the present verse a broad definition of the sufferings which believers face as economically and socially disadvantaged people (2:7; 4:7–10; 5:1–6). But these references say more about the readers’ bitter experiences. They are better understood as signs of oppression and persecution endured for one’s religious convictions. Hence we should interpret our present verse as a reference to the tension in which persons who were faced with the task of reconciling the will of God and dominating evil powers would and did find themselves. (pp. 14-15)
Martin’s comments on v. 3 encouragingly state,
The component of steadfastness under trial and a persistent determination to win through to the end is marked as believers yield their lives to God… and [His people] remain faithful in anticipation of their reward (as in 4 Macc 1:11; 9:30; 17:12: “on that day virtue was the umpire and the test to which they were put was a test of endurance. The prize for victory was incorruption in long-lasting life”). (p. 16)
What Can We Do for Others?
The primary thing is showing love and kindness with sensitivity and empathy. It is about considering other people and their difficulties and knowing that there may be difficulties we know nothing about. Patience, sympathy and respect for struggles are important, and showing a higher tolerance level to those in certain circumstances may be beneficial. When going through times of distress, it is incredibly valuable to have people in your life who sincerely care about and for you; remember the importance of love that goes beyond tokenistic comments and gestures.
To reiterate, empathy is essential, as empathy allows you to greater understand what a person needs. With a better understanding of what a person is feeling and experiencing comes the information to make better choices in communicating love, support and encouragement. With better empathy, your strategic skills can make your efforts and actions more productive.
It is also valuable for us to grow our spiritual maturity, knowledge, and understanding of Scripture. It is not about knowing everything so we can preach a sermon about struggles but increasing your understanding to gain wisdom and discipline. As James tells us, knowing when and being able to hold your tongue is critical (cf. Jam. 3:1-12); for instance, at times, what may be needed is simply a loving touch without words (e.g. a hug). It is also valuable to grow in your knowledge and understanding because these may be of assistance to others when they are struggling with their faith and do not understand. In service to God and those around us, a balance of wisdom, active and empathetic care can prove invaluable (see Jam. 3:13-18).
Your prayers can also be valuable for those who are struggling. Showing a dedicated and caring example, your prayers encourage those struggling in their own direction and strength and help them sustain or regenerate their prayer life. Remember that prayer is so much more than asking God for things. It is our vessel of communication to Him allowing us to confess our sins, worship Him, present our concerns and things we care about, receive enlightenment and give Him praise.
Did Biblical Figures Have to Endure Pain?
Many biblical figures experienced significant trials (e.g. the Disciples and Paul: cf. Matt. 10:16-25; 2 Cor. 6:3-13; 11:16-33). The author of Psalm 22 (traditionally David) had experienced considerable pain as an individual and leader after feeling forsaken. Yet he remained faithful to God despite the pain and confusion. Craigie (2004) gives the following powerful words commenting on Ps 22:2-6,
Forsaken by God (22:1-5). The worshiper begins by expressing the darkest mystery of his suffering, namely the sense of being forsaken by God. It is a mystery because it appears to be rooted in a contradiction, namely the apparent contradiction between theology and experience. Theology, based upon the tradition and experience of the past, affirmed unambiguously that trust (the verb is used three times, for emphasis, in vv 5–6) resulted in deliverance. Indeed it was of the essence of the covenant faith that those who trusted in the holy God would not be disappointed—hence the praise of Israel upon which God was enthroned (v 4). But experience was altogether at odds with theology; whereas the fathers trusted and were delivered, the essence of the psalmist’s complaint (“my moaning,” v 2) was “the distance of my salvation.” The God of covenant, who was believed not to have deserted his faithful people, appeared to have forsaken this worshiper who, in sickness, faced the doors of death. And it was the sense of being forsaken by God that was the fundamental problem—more grave than the actual condition of sickness and the threat of death.
Despised by fellow human beings (22:6–11). Whereas the problem of God is expressed most powerfully in the divine silence (v 3a), the problem of fellow human beings arose from the derisory words which they addressed to the ailing person. Scorned and despised by fellow human beings, the worshiper is treated as a worm, implying both a state of decay and unpleasantness (cf. Exod 16:20), and by implication the nearness of death itself (cf. Isa 14:11). Again it is clear that the primary problem was not sickness or death as such; the primary problem was the silence of God (v. 3) and the secondary problem was the terrible reaction of fellow human beings, who—rather than offering comfort and consolation—spurned the sick person as if an object less than human, tainted already with corruption and death. But the secondary problem of the scornful fellow humans reintroduces the primary problem of God; their taunting words (v 9) remind the sufferer that God appears to have deserted him. Though the words are spoken in derision, they strike home in the heart of the worshiper precisely because they appear to have the essence of truth in them. Now the sufferer perceives a further contradiction; this time, the contradiction lies in his own experience from birth onward to the present moment. From the moment of his birth and his mother’s initial care, the sufferer had been dependent ultimately upon God (vv 10–11); but now in the time of crisis, that past experience seemed like a hollow mockery of reality. The only reality was the distance of God, aggravated by the taunting nearness of fellow human beings. (pp. 198-199)
Atwood (2021) further states,
The mood for the first section of the psalm is established by the juxtaposition of elements of intimacy with elements of alienation…. The relational self of the psalmist is presented by the dual reality of intimacy with God (‘my God’) juxtaposed with divine abandonment (‘why have you forsaken me?’). This is expressed on an auditory level by the intensity of the psalmist’s cries (יתגאש, ‘my roar’) and the lack of divine response (הימוד־אלו … הנעת אלו ‘and you do not answer … and I haven’t rest’), evoking a lone figure screaming into a void. (pp. 20, 22)
Similarly, at Gethsemane, Christ asked repeatedly for the suffering to be removed if possible but committed to the will of the Father (Matt 26:36-46; Mark 14:32-42; Luke 22:39-46). Then we see Christ on the cross calling out, “Eli, Eli, lama sabachthani?” that is, “My God, My God, why have You forsaken Me?”
On this, Choinard (1997) valuably comments,
There seems little doubt that Jesus felt forsaken by God, even though we cannot fathom all that it might have meant to the relationship between Jesus and the Father. Yet, his petition does not express hopelessness or utter despair, but a trust in God’s ultimate vindication. The prayer highlights his extraordinary sense of intimacy with God (“my God”), and his confidence that God will break through the alienation he now feels. Like the righteous sufferer in Psalm 22, Jesus can confidently say, “In you our fathers put their trust, they trusted and you delivered them. They cried to you and were saved; in you they trusted and were not disappointed” (vv. 4–5).
These examples illustrate strength when feeling abandoned and the ability to sustain the relationship and faith even if we feel alienated or do not understand. David was a man after God’s own heart, Jesus clearly loved the Disciples, the Father loved the Son, and Paul was made an Apostle (to the Gentiles) despite his past of persecuting those who followed Christ (cf. Gal. 1:13). Like other biblical examples, we are made in His image, and God loves us too. This, however, does not excuse us from pain, suffering, or the feeling of abandonment in this world. Know that the pain and aloneness you may feel, whether now, from a previous time, or some time in the future, will pass. God’s love is not something that passes in and out, but the presence and support we may feel is. So, remain strong and grow through your endurance and suffering.
Praise God that through His despair, loyalty and hope, Christ endured and modelled for us torturous suffering to redeem those who give themselves to Him. Praise Christ that He understands suffering and, in His sacrifice, that the curtain to the Holy of Holies was torn (cf. Matt 27:51; Mark 15:38-39; Luke 23:45-48). Now He is our High Priest (cf. Heb. 5; 6:19-12; 7-10; 10:19-25), and now we may truly know Him through the covenant of the Holy Spirit (cf. Jer. 31:31-34; Heb. 8:1-13).
We Remain Faithful and Grow!
Life is not easy, but the hardship we face is not rejection. While times of difficulty can be an opportunity to correct errors in yourself and your life, it is also important to have patience with yourself and accept the hardship. Allow yourself the opportunity to grow, and rather than seeing yourself as weak, let your endurance show your strength. Ephesians 6:10-20 can be a great passage to reflect on, with the understanding that we are not fighting with God but within a fallen world. Paul also valuably states in Romans 5:3-5 that we “celebrate in our tribulations, knowing that tribulation brings about perseverance; and perseverance, proven character; and proven character, hope; and hope does not disappoint, because the love of God has been poured out within our hearts through the Holy Spirit who was given to us.” (NASB)
If you are more emotionally than rationally inclined, hurt and pain can eclipse your awareness of, or openness to, a higher truth playing itself out in the bigger picture. From my observation, a lack of energy, continued struggle and being hit back from hope in this life can lead to a lack of hope in the next. Many who claim they have “left their faith” leave because they lack hope: the energy and patience have gone, and what they expected is not what they have received. Sadly, this is sometimes how life works. Also, the less energy and hope we have, especially when dealing with depression, the harder it can become to obtain – or retain – spiritual objectivity and understanding.
I know this was a long and meaty blog post, but I hope it will be useful. It is a prevalent issue that many Christians face, and all too often, is left either in the ‘too hard basket’ or the ‘too negative, embarrassed or awkward basket’. This does nothing when we need to appreciate many people’s spiritual struggles and difficulties. So, I greatly encourage you to grow in empathy and understanding and show love and care to those who need it. In your church, do not make love and care about marketing (cf. Matt. 6:3-4); make it about necessity (cf. Jam. 2:14-26), and pray for God’s help and blessing as you look to serve Him and work in His will and ways.
References
Atwood, J. (2021). Poetry and Emotion in Psalm 22 (Part 1). Journal for the Evangelical Study of the Old Testament, 7(1), 1–26.
Chouinard, L. (1997). Matthew. College Press.
Crabb, L. & Allender, D. (1984). Encouragement: The Key to Caring. Zondervan
Craigie, P. C. (2004). Psalms 1-50 (2nd ed., Vol. 19). Nelson Reference & Electronic.
Martin, R. P. (1988). James (Vol. 48). Word, Incorporated.
